Fuck No Fat Fashion

Cookie: Wow, nothing says sex appeal like a burlap sack

Beasty: And why would they offer it in “raspberry” really? Really? Why does it look like a nighty did it with a vintage blouse?

Cookie: I like the “medium stonewash”. For when the Afgani lady wants to party it up. Because that is a headscarf away from oppressive desert wear

Beasty: Did you check out the close up? The pintucking is puckered. PUCKERED. I don’t even…god damn it do NONE of these bastards watch Project Runway?

Cookie: Did you see it’s billed as “career” wear. I can’t even imagine the kind of career you could wear this to. Maybe working the check out at the gulp n go?

Beasty: …..but it’s denim. Denim+career wear? I um. NO. Damn it no. No. I see the market for modest wear but modest people want to be pretty too and this is not pretty.

Cookie: The original color with that fabric, it looks like a potato sack. Like they put puckered shirring and buttons on a sack. On the back it says Idaho across the ass.

Beasty: At least having Idaho on the ass would be interesting. Also bothering me is the picture, that is so photochopped the accessories don’t match any of the available colors. That dress upsets me so much I have to pee now.

Cookie: I don’t know about you but a green 4inch headband totally goes with psychedelic raspberry. I mean, it burned my retinas!

Beasty: Yes. And why is her head turned like that? Who thought that would be the best way to sell this damn dress? Also the feet wide apart trying to fill out the dress…FAIL.

Cookie: I think Tyra needs to do an America’s Next Top Plus Size Model and teach these girls how to not only pose but to smize.

Beasty: Also they need Andre Leon Talley to demonstrate proper wear of something mumuish.

Cookie: He is the only fat bitch who can pull off a mumu.

RATING: NO PIE.

[Link]

Cookie : Okay so I am looking at the top as it loads and I’m like okay, that top isn’t too bad. The fabric is all wrong for it though. And then I scrolled down and I died a little inside.

Beasty : You know I have no problem getting my hoochie on and showing some skin. In fact, I maybe have a problem with loving stripperwear a little too much but…who the fuck wears a polyester sack to the club?

Cookie : I know. It has no shape to it at all. It reminds me of that Ke$ha garbage bag dress. They went to Home Depot, got some industrial strength garbage bags and then some black electrical tape for the straps.

Beasty : Did you check out the other view? Now um, if someone were to have say a big ole booty, that shit would straight up look like some kind of weird diaper in the back.

Cookie : It just looks all wrong. Like they just sized up a straight sized dress or something. I could see some size 0 rocking this look but the rest of us, no way. And it’s billed under “dresses” not even under “clubwear”. That to me says “hey, big beautiful ladies, wear this to the office.” Which is awesome, if your office has a red light over the door.

Beasty : I don’t think anyone would look cute in that. It just..it’s….no. And that “shirring” as they call it just looks like cheap fabric pucker. I want a red light over my office door but I want better outfits. Also why is that shit 47 damn dollars?

Cookie : You know what I realized, if she is at the club and the DJ urges everyone to “throw their hands up in the air and wave them like they just don’t care”, everyone is going to be able to tell her religion. Know what I’m talking about? Or you know, they will know if she’s been to Brazil.

Beasty : ASS EVERYWHERE. I love ass but accidental ass can ruin your night. Also, nobody wants to be -that- girl in the club. Unless you’re a only famous for showing your ass type starlet.

Cookie : Something tells me the kind of woman who buys this is going to be -that- kind of girl in the club. Nobody buys a shiny black shirred polyester mini-dress because they are conservative.

Beasty : Mmm true. That should come with a warning label. Especially if there is booze involved. There’s going to be some ass or titties. My boobs would drag the whole top of that fucker right down.

Cookie : Again, your boobs would destroy that thing like Godzilla destroyed Tokoyo. Only this time, people would cheer because you killed the beast.

Beasty : True. But then I’d get arrested and I’m not famous so I’d just go to jail. I’d be popular in jail though what with the toplessness and all.

Cookie : No way, the only person you’re being a prison bitch to is me. Hear that dress?

RATING: NO PIE

Cookie : Um…I have seen a lot of frakendresses in my day but this one take the cakes. CAKE. It’s like three other dresses got drunk, stumbled into a dark room, got it on and 9 months later, gave birth to this

Beasty : Okay can we go from the bottom up there? Bottom half, total awesome comfy nighty.

Cookie : Oh yeah, that is total cabin in the woods, camping with my studly lumberjack boyfriend and/or girlfriend. Like you could wear the bottom half, curl up in front of a fire, and feel the whiskers of your love interest between your thighs. And then…then it hits the empire waist and it’s like NO!

Beasty : YES. Maybe with some awesome knee high thick socks. And then….what is that random shit on the side of the boobs? It straight up looks like pieces of sweatpants you put on an old nighty to hold it together.

Cookie : Maybe that is it. Stick with me here, so you’re in the cabin, enjoying a nice warm fire, nice warm orgasm, when BEAR ATTACK! And he goes right for the side boob, rendering your nightgown useless. The only thing you have to stop the bleeding and patch up the hole in the fabric is a pair of sweatpants your beloved uses to go gather wood in. And the straps, those are from your purse.

Beasty : YES. But not your good purse because they are pleather. So it came from the purse you got at Walgreen’s on the way there because you didn’t want to get anything on your good purse. This looks like a bad flannel shirt recon by a meth addled person who’s watched not enough Project Runway.

Cookie : Oh, I forgot to add, the bear clearly had pinky shears. That is the only thing that can possibly explain that hem. Her pose too, I HATE that pose in plus sized shots. The whole pushing your body out while pushing it back thing. She looks heavier than she really is.

Beasty : Um baby that hem is lace. That there is what makes it classy. CLASSY. Also those boots do not fucking go. It’s like bad photochop. Again if they were going to go there, they should GO there and put her hot ass in some cowboy boots. Don’t they have some this season?

Cookie : Wow, I just zoomed in and it’s blue lace. So revise that. Four dresses got drunk, had two fugly dress babies, who then went on to have a wild weekend in Vegas. This dress is a genetic abomination. The boots look like two different shoes procreated too. It can’t decide if it wants to be a boot or zip down and be a pump.

Beasty : LOL. This dress needs to be put down. I suggest sealing it up like Magneto then putting the whole thing in space. Let the aliens wear ugly shit.

RATING: NO PIE. They owe US coffee for Frankendress.

Cookie : Keeping in the theme tonight of lingerie as outwear, done badly

Beasty: Oh no, no no take that shit back.

Cookie : I can’t. What has been seen cannot be unseen

Cookie : It reminds me of this gown from Fredericks but that is billed at lingerie. This…isn’t: http://www.fredericks.com/Illusion_Gown_Plus/42724,default,pd.html?cgid=pl5

Beasty : I was TOTALLY just looking for that

Cookie : Great minds think alike.

Beasty: And I have to say I had that when it first came out and yes I rocked it as club wear and it looked FANTASTIC. Also, that is only nude for white people. They know that right?

Cookie : Shhh, don’t tell them people come in other colors, Beasty!

Beasty : But but. I don’t wanna look like a striped naked white lady.

Cookie : You couldn’t use this one as clubwear because the cut of it is too sorority sister weekend. It’s the kind of shape that you would wear to your cousin’s wedding. Only if you wore this to your cousin’s wedding, they would wonder if you were hooking for meth money again.

Beasty: Or if you sold the interesting part of your dress for cake. Isn’t that what fatties do pawn fancy clothes from Macy’s for more cake?

Cookie : Why are you giving away trade secrets? You do realize this is going to bring the fat mafia out against us right? Even though we are members. They are like the Illuminati. They control things from behind the scenes.

Beasty : They control things with donuts. I’m going rogue just like Sarah Palin who I’m sure loves this dress would. I’m telling EVERYBODY.

Cookie : Oh no, you did not just envoke THE PALIN did you? See, I could see Bristol Palin wearing this on Dancing With The Stars. I cannot see Marissa Jaret Winokur wearing it.

Beasty : I can. But they’d style it with old school stripper shoes, you know the ones I’m talking about, and probably some cheap ass pleather shiny belt and call it done. Although if they did that, it would make an excellent case for abstinence cause nobody wearing that dress would want to fuck. Ever.

RATING: ONE SLICE. NO CHEESE. (slice for the shape)

Beasty : You know who designed that right?

Cookie : Is it that lady from Project Runway?

Beasty : YES.

Cookie : Tim Gunn would be ashamed

Beasty : Can I ask I mean, I okay practical question. We know I have DD gigantic boobs, what would I do with them in that dress?

Cookie : I think the laws of gravity and physics would say that you would DESTROY that dress. In a cage match between your breasts and that dress, the dress doesn’t even show because it’s too scared

Beasty : Further more. Why no front shot? Do I even dare ask? And why am I suddenly having Frederick’s of Hollywood circa mid-90’s flashbacks here? That dress gives me a sad. And you know how much I love silk that doesn’t even make it better.

Cookie : The thing is, this is not appropriate for out in public. It looks like bad lingerie. Like something you would wear for a sexy night with the hubby. It’s not going to a club or god forbid going grocery shopping attire. It isn’t even fit for a trip to Wal-Mart

Beasty : You know I love wearing some strippery clothing sometimes but, my chesticles must be supported. Showcased in a manner befitting their brown glory and this does not do it. There is not a set of boobs anywhere, that that dress would do justice to. None. That dress makes boobs sad.

Cookie : Sad boobs is like the last thing anyone in the world wants to see. Straight, gay, bi, other. Happy boobs are what make life worth living.

Beasty : The whole world loves some awesomely framed chest area but that just….no. And wait a second, is the back line there elastized?

Cookie : Oh. My. Sweet. Baby. Jesus. In. The. Manger. I think you’re right. I do seem to see the puckering of elastic.

Cookie : And can we talk about the straps. I don’t know about you but most us plus size ladies, we got the armpit/side fat. A strap that cuts into that and causes what equates to a hot dog bun around it is not attractive.

Beasty : Also they are flimsy. FLIMSY. One snap and you’re getting arrested or making a bunch of new friends. Or both. And then you’re famous on the internet with one boob hanging out.

RATING: NO PIE. No cheese. (She just made Tim Gunn die a little inside)

Cookie : I have a feeling this will be a short one because I don’t have a problem with the cut. I have a problem with that print.

Beasty : UM WAIT. Wait…wait it’s loading tut is it really called “Beige Wallpaper Western Shirt”? For real tho? Really?

Beasty : I haven’t even looked closely at the shirt yet. It’s the um..the name. I need a minute to let that sink in.

Beasty : I actually whimpered. The picture is loaded and I am kind of ad at you.

Beasty : Mad. see what that print did to me.

Cookie : It reminds me of this wallpaper that my Grandma had in her sewing room. It is almost like a timewarp print. Like if you put it on, you will wake up in 1970s England, only you are really in a coma. You know, like Life On Mars.

Beasty : Okay marketing wise, why actually come out and say the shit is wall paper? It’s not even like awesome bordello worthy wall paper it’s um…it’s just. It’s bad Western Movie on Cinemax where you’re just waiting to see some tits before you turn it off.

Cookie : And I think calling anything “beige” right off the bat knocks the points out. Like here, have a shit sandwich.

Beasty : No wait here’s a shit sandwich AND you get bonus kick in the ladyballs. Here you go. Oh and by the way that’ll be 45.99 for the pleasure and the ladyball pain. Enjoy.

Beasty : Also really if you’re going to go there, at least grow some and GO there. I want to see that model in a long brown suede skirt, some boots and a fucking cowboy hat. They went there, they should have really gone there.

Cookie : And she better be riding a goddamned horse, know what I’m saying?

Cookie : Is it sad that they had to go down to twelve dollars and it still doesn’t seem to be selling? And it’s “Imported” so I’m thinking that this is what someone in rural China thinks Americans are like.

Beasty : YES. And about to shoot someone then go get drunk. But that’s just…well it’s fucking beige wallpaper what else can we say?

Cookie : I know. They did our job for us.

RATING: ONE SLICE OF PIE WITH CHEESE (But their pie is cold. So there.)

[Link]

Beasty : The 90’s called and they want to know what the fuck happened.

Cookie : I am just wondering where along the product design line someone thought it was a GOOD idea to make plus sized women look like they are five months pregnant

Beasty : Also, underboob smocking? Really? This is someones idea of giving a garment shape? It’s like a tube top had a mutant baby with a flounce skirt.

Cookie : And look at the paneling on her boob. Instead of making it just once piece of fabric, they blocked it off. Like square boobs are all the rage now. I missed that memo

Beasty : And can we discuss that hot mess going on around her shoulders? was that left over from some other garment? Like the lining out of a purse that someone was just like eh, put it on their they’ll buy it anyway.

Cookie : It totally looks like purse lining. It just really looks like they had all this drab grey fabric left over so they wanted to use as much as possible. Ruffles use up a lot, smocking does. The pleating almost makes it look like you forgot to iron it.

Beasty: Did you see it also comes in OD green? For the Fatshionista who needs not only urban cammo but also, weird boob shaping. It’s like the total package of not so much win and way more WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE.

Beasty : Oh wait..wait I just read the description is that shit on the shoulders fucking multi colored lace?

Cookie : It looks grey to me but mostly, that might just be because my brain can’t process the idea of multi-colored lace. There is so much fail, I have overload.

Cookie : My biggest problem is that they are advocating not only leggings but capri leggings. The only people who can pull off capri cut are size 0 girls. Everyone else, it makes you look stumpy. And cropped leggings, I’m sure that is one of the seven deadly sins right there.

Beasty : I can’t tell but I don’t like it. I am making sad face right now. SA FACE.

Beasty : SAD FACE rather

Cookie : I think SA FACE is right for SOMETHING AWFUL.

Beasty : The crop leggings meh. I’m already stumpy so everything I wear looks stumpy. It just…the whole thing is weird and not in an interesting way. I just don’t understand. Does not compute at all.

Cookie : You know what I’m glad this doesn’t have though? Pockets. Cause I could see them putting them right on her breast or huge ones at her hips. YAY for that bit of restraint cause this outfit, it has everything else.

Beasty: LOL LOL LOL I can picture the pockets. Oh no NO NO make it stop

Cookie : Okay, I will refrain from mentioning it’s a poly-cotton blend. :-)

RATING: NO PIE. Minus pie for egregious use of shirring which can be a fat girl’s friend but in this case it is a big ole meany head.

[Link]

Cookie : How about this one?

Beasty : …… yes

Cookie : LMAO That was the best reaction ever

Beasty : Okay, first glance what the fuck is going on with the giant weird pockets?

Cookie : That thing has pockets? I thought it was just part of the “design” but I see it now. I guess again, place to keep cheeseburgers

Beasty : But if it’s unbuttoned how does one get to the cheeseburgers? And what if you have big boobs? What would I do with my tits wearing that thing?

Cookie : Wait, it buttons? It it’s supposed to be buttoned? I mean, I see them but once you button it up, isn’t it going to look like you’re wearing some kind of Satantic Cult Here Comes The Comet garb?

Beasty : YES. Look at the other picture I swear that bitch has buttons. I like the idea of a cowl neck vest…but this is..it’s just it’s weird and it makes me uncomfortable.

Cookie : It reminds me of found object art. Like you were digging around in your grandmother’s attic and found this. She knit it for your uncle with the thyroid problems, who apparently has a goiter the size of a moose as well. Only the sleeves were all moth-eaten so you just cut them off.

Beasty : And then it got buttoned up and nobody could figure out how to wear it. Doesn’t it look like it would just wear in the most awkward kind of hangy way that would mean you’d be constantly screwing with it or tucking a boob back in or something.

Cookie : I think this would work well with the LSD crowd. They are probably tripping balls so bad, they think it’s a baby seal giving them a love hug. And speaking of your uncomfortable feeling, it is like inappropriate touching uncomfortable or guy peeing on the bus uncomfortable?

Beasty : Guy peeing on the bus uncomfortable. I want to shield my eyes but yell and swat it with a paper.

Cookie : That won’t make it go away.

Beasty : Also it loses points for being wool and seriously Calvin, 89.50 for something I’m pretty sure I’ve seen on Regretsy before. Really? Really that’s what it’s come to?

Cookie : I love that “pointed front hem” is a selling point. Because every woman wants what is basically an arrow pointing at their moonplace. Like hey boys, open for business, but the cowl stays on because I get cold. (Okay, I lied cause that would not keep you warm at all).

Beasty : If a sweater is going to point at my crotch it better have a merkin involved or I want no part of it. NO PART.

Cookie : Oh man, you are so right the more I look at it. Calvin Klein cruises Regresty for fashion ideas. I think we just uncovered a conspiracy. If the Feds come knocking on my door, I don’t know you.

Beasty : I know right? I am onto CK. I see what they did there.

RATING: NO PIE. (Pie deducted for weird crotchal region action.)